The Pursuit of God

Serious Topics for Serious Christians

Prayer Warriors: Disrespecting God & Proud of It

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AUDIO VERSION: YouTube  Podbean

How much do you care about God’s feelings? If you are treating Him in a way that He finds insulting and exasperating, do you care enough to listen and make changes or are you just going to tell Him to stuff it? Any yahoo can call himself a Christian and claim to love God. Talk is cheap. If you really love God, you’ll care about treating Him right. You’d want to know if you were annoying Him. If you were making wrong assumptions about Him, you’d want Him to tell you. If you were disrespecting Him, you’d want Him to show you and then you’d be anxious for Him to help you do better. Serious Christians show sincere concern for God’s feelings. The rest of you blowhards just talk a good story while you really don’t give a flip about God’s feelings or preferences.

Today in the Church, serious Christians are a relatively rare event. How do we know this? Because serious Christians show sincere concern for God’s feelings. If the Church had a plethora of serious Christians in her midst, she would never have invented the prayer warrior package, because this is a mentality which grossly insults God from beginning to end. God hates the entire concept of a prayer warrior. He hates the pompous title, and He hates how we treat Him when we attach that title to ourselves. If you’re a serious Christian and you’ve never been exposed to God’s view of prayer warriors, you’re going to find it alarming that God has such strong negative feelings towards something that is so ragingly popular in the Church today. You’re also going to want to make darn sure that you aren’t practicing the warrior mindset in any area of your own life.  But if you’re a rebellious Christian, you’re going to show no concern for God’s feelings and go right on treating prayer as a means of self-promotion and a vehicle through which you can show us all what an irreverent little twerp you are. So what kind of Christian are you?

You don’t get to decide for God how He is going to feel about something. Maybe you consider yourself a prayer warrior and you’ve built your whole identity around that concept. Well, God detests the whole idea of a prayer warrior, so what are you going to do about it? Are you going to pay attention to God’s explanation of why He feels the way He does and ask Him to help you improve your treatment of Him, or are you going to tell Him to stuff it because you don’t care about how He feels? These are the only two options you have. Once God declares His feelings about something, you are forced to respond to that information in a positive or negative way. God will then respond to your response. This is how it works. Do you want to get firsthand experience with how effectively God avenges Himself on those who show no regard for His feelings? Just keep “battling on your knees” and you’ll find out. The prayer warrior package is irreverent rot, and it’s high time for us to own up to what we’re really doing.

Now the fabulous thing about God is that He doesn’t just throw out vague gripes. Even though He would be perfectly justified in frying us the first time we lipped off to Him, He doesn’t. Instead, He graciously takes the time to explain to us why He finds our behavior so offensive. Stop and think about how cool this is. God isn’t a mere human president, He is God Almighty. He is the Maker of all things. Since when does He have to explain anything to dots like us? The fact that God actually takes the time to help us understand His irritation is beyond awesome. And when God explains something to us, He uses examples and metaphors that we can understand. Because He is so willing to speak to us down on our level, we find ourselves being presented with a priceless opportunity. By explaining His feelings to us and not just remaining cloaked in mystery, God opens the door for us to commune with Him in some meaningful, personal way. This is, after all, why He created us in the first place: for the relationship. God wants to have a close, positive, heart-to-heart relationship with each one of us. That relationship is the very thing that all of this prayer warrior hoopla ends up ruining, hence God’s extreme annoyance with it. You see, God isn’t open to having just any kind of relationship with you. He’s the King. He’s the Boss. If you want the privilege of knowing sweet communion with Him, you will approach Him on His terms. God is not your peer, and He’s certainly not your lackey. Yet this is how we end up treating Him once we buy into the prayer warrior mentality.

To understand how offensive the warrior mindset is to God, let’s use a human metaphor. Imagine yourself sitting down in a restaurant having lunch with your best friend. When the two of you share your thoughts with each other, you call it conversation. What’s the point of conversation? Why talk to your friend at all? Because that’s how you commune with each other—it’s how you develop a strong emotional bond between the two of you. Such bonds are very important to human beings. We are communal creatures and we have a deep need to relate with each other in emotional, psychological, and physical ways. But even stronger than our need to bond with other humans is our need to bond with our Maker.

Your soul craves a personal bond with God. Even though other humans are spiritual beings, they cannot satisfy your soul’s deep need to bond with its Creator. You need God. You need to establish a personal, meaningful connection with Him. You do that through prayer.

Prayer is your soul’s conversation with God. Just as the purpose of conversing with other humans is to commune with them, the purpose of prayer is to commune with God. Through communion, we build bonds. Prayer is all about you and God forging a personal, private, deep soul bond. This is what prayer has always been about as far as He is concerned, but the Church totally messes you up on this point. The Church teaches you that prayer isn’t about you and God bonding with each other—it’s about you influencing the way that God runs the universe. The Church teaches you to view prayer primarily as a coercion tool. Prayer is how you make God do what you want. Prayer is how you make your own carnal agendas happen. Prayer is promoted as a strategic fight, a battle. When life throws enemies at you, prayer is the sword you use to beat them back. When challenges arise, prayer is the hammer you use to smash those obstacles out of your way. When someone is hurting, prayer is the first aid kit you use to mend their wounds. When someone is in need, prayer is the magic wand you wave to make whatever it is they need suddenly materialize in their lives. When someone acts aggressively towards you, prayer is the hypo you use to sedate them.

Every culture has their favorite superheroes. Americans have Superman, Spiderman, and Batman. The Brits have Doctor Who. Doctor Who comes equipped with eternal life, perpetual attitude, and a handy pocket device known as the sonic screwdriver. The limitations of this handy tool are never explained because it has none. The sonic screwdriver is a decades old plot device which is used to get the good Doctor and his fellow characters out of any jam that the plot writers get them into. No matter how impossible or ridiculous the problem, someone whips out the sonic screwdriver, fiddles around with it in some purposeful way, and the day is saved. The sonic screwdriver is the ultimate magic tool: it can do anything for anyone. But the sonic screwdriver only exists to solve problems—it doesn’t do anything beyond that.

Today the Church teaches you to view prayer as your own personal sonic screwdriver. Prayer is a magical, multi-functional device that you can count on to always save the day. You’re urged to put your faith in this tool—to “believe in the power of prayer.” But like the sonic screwdriver, prayer is treated as a problem solving device. It exists to assist you in evading obstacles, escaping jams, and resolving crises. It has nothing to do with communion.

Let’s go back to that restaurant, only this time your best friend is sitting alone at the table, eagerly waiting for you to arrive. When you do, you throw open the door to the restaurant, march over to the table with militant posture, and shout at your friend, “My car has a flat tire! Get off your duff right now and fix it! Call me a tow truck! Get me a rental! I’m being inconvenienced and you ought to see that as the ultimate crisis that it is! Why are you just sitting there?! I’ve given you an order! Move it! Let’s go! I want action and I want it now!”

Is this communion? No, this is you being a bossy jerk. You didn’t come to the restaurant to hang out with your friend, you came to use your friend. You aren’t conversing, you’re commanding. You clearly consider yourself to be the leader in this relationship. You are the alpha, and your friend is the subordinate. You give the orders, and your friend carries them out. Until your friend gets moving, you keep repeating your commands in a loud and obnoxious manner.

So how many humans do you know who would enjoy being treated this way? None. This is rude behavior even for a boss, and you’re not the boss of your friend, you’re his peer equal. Your friend invited you to lunch because he wanted to commune with you, but then you showed up acting like a condescending commando. If your friend got ticked at you for treating him so rudely, you’d find that reasonable, wouldn’t you? Well, how do you think God feels when you pull this garbage on Him?

God isn’t your peer equal, He’s the One who is currently holding your molecules together. If ever there was an Alpha party, God is it. He is the Lord of All, the Sovereign King. He is so far above you in rank, power, and prestige that you don’t even deserve for Him to give you the time of day, yet in reality He is constantly inviting you to commune with Him. God says that He is always hanging out with you and that He wants to build a relationship with you. God wants to converse with you—that’s why He invented the concept of prayer. God could have created you without any way of connecting with Him, but instead He gave you the capacity for prayer. God has opened up the door of conversation between the two of you, but for only one reason: to build communion.

God doesn’t make Himself available to you 24/7 so that you can boss Him around. There’s no room for a warrior mentality in your prayer life because prayer is about communion, not barking orders. You’re not entering a battlefield when you pray, you’re sitting down at a table with God. He isn’t your lackey. He isn’t your subordinate. He doesn’t take orders from you. He is well aware that you don’t like a lot of the calls He’s making in your life and in the lives of those around you. But God didn’t invite you to the table so that you could criticize His work and lecture Him on subjects you know nothing about. God invited you to sit down with Him so that you and He could work on strengthening your personal bond. That bond is only going to grow one way: God’s way. God is only willing to relate to you on His terms, and those terms include you submitting to Him as the Alpha party in the relationship. God doesn’t take orders from you and He isn’t open to receiving your advice. God is very interested in your feelings, and He’s quite willing to help you deal with your frustrations with how He operates. But when it comes to God changing the way He operates in order to suit you—that’s not going to happen.

A warrior is a soldier. Human military officers measure the worth of their soldiers by several factors, and one of those factors is submission. A soldier who refuses to obey orders quickly becomes repulsive to the officer who is put in charge of him. In human militaries, information flows from the top down. The lower the rank, the less knowledge there is. Soldiers are intentionally kept in the dark about facts and goals surrounding the missions they are sent on. Because soldiers are only working with partial information, they are unable to make wise judgments. This is why submission is so critical to a human army functioning well on the battlefield. If each soldier starts trying to command, chaos will ensue. It’s the same with any group endeavor in which each member of the group is stuck with a limited perspective. Take an orchestra playing out some elaborate piece. Each member of the orchestra sits at the same level on a stage in a bubble of sound which prevents them from accurately hearing the entire orchestra. The guy playing the trumpet can only hear his own trumpet and the trumpets around him when he plays—the rest of the orchestra is drowned out. But the conductor who stands on a podium above the orchestra has positioned himself in a spot where he can hear all of the instruments at once. As he waves his arms about, the conductor is issuing commands of tempo, speed, starts and stops which help keep the army of instruments on track. But the only reason it works is because each player is willing to submit to the conductor’s authority. It just takes one rebellious drummer to ruin the entire song by playing off tempo. Why would a drummer do such a thing? Because from where he is sitting, he thinks he’s found a way to improve on the list of written orders on his score sheet. Though he sees that 4/4 time is called for, he decides to speed things up or slow things down. When his score tells him to hit his cymbals, he beats on his snare drums instead. When his score tells him to beat his drums quickly, he beats them slowly. Imagine what a displeasing mess this one drummer could make out of the entire performance simply because he was unwilling to submit to the authority of his leader.

Let’s be honest about this prayer warrior title. This title promotes a mindset that is the antithesis of submission. By the time we’re done drawing dramatic pictures of solo, buffed out knights beating back legions of demons, it’s clear that by warrior we don’t mean a well-behaved soldier. When we say warrior, we really mean commander. The prayer warrior doesn’t submit, he leads. He doesn’t listen, he commands. Ever notice how God is never depicted in our prayer warrior artwork? The warrior is always alone on the battlefield, calling his own shots, devising his own strategies. Demons are often drawn in, but God is ignored. Why is this? Because in the world of prayer warriors, God isn’t recognized as the great Commander that He is. Instead, He’s the insignificant grunt who works His magic backstage in order to make us look good.

Ever wonder why we refer to Solomon’s Temple when King Solomon didn’t do any of the labor required in building the temple? Why does Solomon get all of the glory when he didn’t do any of the work? Sure, he set up a few arrangements for supplies to be brought in. Well, whoopee. If your friend dumps off the wood for a house, but you do all of the lifting, sawing, measuring, and hammering yourself, who are you going to give the credit to for building the thing? You’re going to be taking the bows yourself, and your friend’s contribution will be brushed aside as the minimal thing that it was. When we’re the ones doing the work, we feel we’re the ones who deserve the glory, but that’s not how things work in this world. In this world, the glory goes to the top dog. History remembers colonels, generals, and commanders, not ensigns. In America, when the country gets stuck in war, we blame the president. When the economy does well, we praise the president, even though in both cases, the president usually plays a very minimal role. In this world, we give the glory to the person who we consider to be in charge—it’s how we think. So what does this tell us about how prayer warriors think? Who do prayer warriors give the glory to when things turn out the way they want? They give the glory to themselves. When Christians talk about “the power of prayer”, they should be referring to the life-changing effects that sincere, continuous submission to God has on our souls. But this isn’t what they’re talking about. When Christians say “Believe in the power of prayer,” what they really mean is “Believe in our power to control God.” Don’t believe it? Watch how a self-titled prayer warrior reacts when you tell them that their prayers don’t change bumpkus because God doesn’t take orders from them. Watch how their eyes narrow angrily and their pride gets all huffy. Prayer warriors claim to give all the glory to God until you try to take their glory away. Then they throw a major hissy fit which shows how phony their claims of humility really are.

Prayer warriors view themselves as great movers and shakers in the spiritual realms. God might run the universe, but they run God, hence they deserve the lion’s share of the glory whenever something goes right. It is because there is no room for submission in the prayer warrior’s brain that we hear these people making idiotic statements like “We pulled her through with prayer,” or “Join with me to build up a prayer wall.” Really?? A prayer wall?  Are we now a bunch of six years olds playing fort with mom’s sheets and blankets? What exactly are these prayer walls supposed to be doing? Keeping those bad ole demons out, of course. You see, the Holy Spirit might be God Almighty, but He really sucks in the shield erecting department, so that’s why we’ve got to show Him how it’s done by building prayer walls.

This is the great irony of prayer warriors: while they love to wax on and on about how powerful God is, they really think God is a bumbling dolt who can’t accomplish anything without their help. Actions speak louder than words. How a man prays reveals what he really believes. If you really think God is wiser than you are, you don’t sit around telling Him what to do, because it’s a given that your ideas are totally lame compared to His. If you really think God is powerful and in control, you don’t waste your time trying to build walls, break down strongholds, or suit up with armor. Who thinks they need armor when they have the magnificent Holy Spirit dwelling inside of them? Only those who have no respect for who the Holy Spirit is. Prayer warriors are icons of irreverence, faithlessness, and egomania. As they frantically spread the word around the internet for their buddies to all join them in commanding God to do what they want, they demonstrate their obsession with dominating Him. Prayer warriors are proud of their total lack of submission to God—it’s a great brag point to them, which is why they so shamelessly post the orders they are currently blasting their King with. Check out this recommended prayer that we found posted on a prayer warrior website—you know, one of those online tutorials that teach you how to disrespect your Maker and feel holy about it all at the same time.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I pray this prayer in the power of the Holy Spirit. In the Name of Jesus Christ Your one and only Son who died and rose again for remission of sin, I bind, rebuke and render powerless: all division, discord, disunity, strife, wrath, criticism, condemnation, pride, envy, jealousy, gossip, slander, evil speaking, complaining, lying, false teaching, false gifts, false manifestations, lying signs and wonders, poverty, fear of lack, fear of spirits, deceiving spirits, religious spirits, hindering spirits, retaliatory spirits, occult spirits, witchcraft spirits, spirits of antichrist and all familiar and territorial spirits.

Whenever they are really trying to manipulate their Makers, Christians make sure to list each One by Name. Notice how this prayer is addressed to Yahweh (the Heavenly Father), while the Holy Spirit and Jesus are treated like side props. This prayer is being prayed “in the power of the Holy Spirit,” as opposed to just being, well, prayed. Does this even make sense? Not when you remember that prayer is just your soul’s conversation with God. Conversation is not a device that you can plug into the wall in order to boost its functionality. Conversation is just conversation. You can’t converse “in the power of something”. Instead of respecting the Holy Spirit as the magnificent God that He is, this prayer teaches you to talk down to Him like He’s some kind of super great charger that will give your prayers a mystical boost. The obvious implication is that Yahweh is some fickle listener with a very short attention span who might not stay tuned in if you don’t do something that really grabs Him. You can’t just talk to God—you have to talk to Him “in the power of the Holy Spirit.” That’s the magic phrase that makes Yahweh say, “Whoa! Everyone else hush for a minute—I’ve got a supercharged prayer coming in on station 7!” Are you seeing why both Yahweh and the Holy Spirit find this kind of language insulting?

Oh, but let’s not stop at insulting two Gods when we could insult all three. Here’s where we come to Jesus. Many Christians labor under the delusion that Yahweh keeps forgetting who Jesus is, hence we teach each other to frequently insert a quick little history lesson into our prayers.

In the Name of Jesus Christ Your one and only Son who died and rose again for remission of sin…

This is when Yahweh is supposed to say “Oh, that Jesus. Yeah, I remember Him. Almost forget what it was He did until You gave me that little refresher. Whenever someone mentions Jesus, I always think of all those other Jesuses, so I appreciate you clarifying that you mean the Jesus who died on the cross and rose again.” And as we’re reminding Yahweh of who Jesus is, we are disrespecting Jesus by acting like His Name is the only part of Him we care about. To heck with Jesus the God—we just want the power of His Name. Yep, the Holy Spirit is a power boost, and Jesus is a magical name—this is how we like to talk to our Creators.

Now our prayer tutors really get to the good part: the part where we bust out our potent warrior-sorcerer powers and start binding everything that we don’t like.

In the Name of Jesus Christ Your one and only Son who died and rose again for remission of sin, I bind, rebuke and render powerless: all division, discord, disunity, strife, wrath…

Notice how we bind, rebuke and render powerless. This is a command, folks. We are now telling Yahweh what to do in the most obnoxious way possible. Notice that there’s not any request language here. We’re just making an announcement: “Yo, Big Guy: this is bad ass sorcerer #3 checking in and letting You know that I’ve just neutralized all potential sources of threat in this world. Used the power of the Holy Spirit and the Name of Jesus to get it done. You know how I love to treat those Two like lemons that I can just squeeze the juice out of whenever I feel like it. So now that I’ve zapped everything, guess You can take five. As usual, I’m handling the universe just fine without You. Oh, and FYI, You can’t be angry today because I just neutralized all wrath, and obviously my powers are greater than Yours.”

Isn’t this a cheeky little prayer? But we’re just getting started. Our group of self-proclaimed prayer warriors have written more to this script.

I bind all curses that have been spoken against me. I bless those who curse me, and pray blessings on those who despitefully use me. I bind all spoken judgments made against me, and judgments I have made against others. I bind the power of negative words from others, and I bind and render useless all prayers not inspired by the Holy Spirit; whether psychic, soul force, witchcraft, or counterfeit tongues that have been prayed against me.

Isn’t this cute? We’re binding all judgments spoken against us. You know, because we’re perfect, so anyone who has a problem with us is obviously evil personified. We’re binding all over the place with this prayer—it’s a total power fest. But notice how we make an exception for prayers that the Holy Spirit inspires. Isn’t it so generous of us to allow God’s will to still go forth? Seriously, how arrogant do you have to be to think you need to insert a line like this into your prayer? “Don’t worry, God, I’m not binding You.” Here’s where the Holy Spirit says, “Big sigh of relief there! I was seriously stressing that you were going to aim your neutralizing wand in My direction!”

Now let’s look at what we have so far. In the first two sections of this prayer you have declared your supremacy over other people’s emotions, thoughts, words and even their prayers. Wow. So you think you can actually control the private conversations other souls have with God and demons? You think you can neutralize all negative words? Just what is a negative word? A word you don’t like, obviously. You see, when you pray like this, you are setting yourself up as the supreme standard of good and evil. You declare what’s good, you bind what’s bad, but the whole time you’re using your definitions. And while you’re busy flexing your wizard like powers, you’re showing how freaked out you are about other wizards zapping you, because you say things like “I bind all curses that have been spoken against me.” Why? Why are you so fearful of what other people say? In the Bible, Yahweh scoffs at the power of humans and demons, declaring them all to be mere pawns in His hands. Yahweh is who you’re addressing this prayer to, and you’re essentially saying that you don’t believe Him when He claims to be an omnipotent Being. You clearly think that you’re the omnipotent one, because you are claiming to have the power to override the will of other humans and demons. Heck, you’re even overriding Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It’s not like you asked the Holy Spirit to share His power with you—you just grabbed it. “I pray this prayer in the power of the Holy Spirit.” What if the Holy Spirit doesn’t like your prayer? What if He thinks you’re an egomaniac who really needs to get over yourself and realize that the whole universe doesn’t bow to your command? In this prayer you claim to bind all these things in the Name of Jesus. Well, since when does merely saying Jesus’ Name give you some free tap into His power?

Divine power isn’t like water in your faucet that you can turn on and off at will. Where do you get off telling God what He’s going to do for you? The morons who drafted this prayer and posted it online call this a “Daily Prayer for Protection and Strength.” Even that title grossly insults God, for it assumes He can’t be counted on for anything. It mocks the whole idea of His faithfulness and goodness as our loving Creator. If you have to remind God to protect you every day, then He’s either ignoring you, forgetting about you, uninterested in you, or He just loves being bossed around by you. This is the kind of rot that our prayer warriors pump out and they’re proud of it.

I am God’s child. I resist the devil and declare that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I take authority over this day, let it be prosperous for me Lord and let me walk in Your love.

Do you know how done God is with listening to your pompous declarations? You’re so off on your own magnificence that you’ve decided that anything you speak out loud will alter reality. You think that just by saying “no weapon formed against me shall prosper”, all weapons are actually neutralized. Really?? Let’s give you the same challenge that we give to the relativists: if you think you’re so in control, let’s see you speak all the traffic on the highway out of existence. How about you step out in front of a semi that’s going 60 mph and declare that no grill plate that slams into your soft tissues will prosper? Let’s see you drive up a hill with no gas in your tank and take authority over that engine. If you can’t take authority over an engine, how are you going to take authority over your day? How about you bind all heat in the universe and we’ll throw you in a pit of molten lava and watch you swim a few laps? Can’t do it? What kind of lame sorcerer are you? You can’t control the natural elements? You can’t even make a pen write on its own or walk on your head or levitate your dog, but you expect us to think you can bind the devil, the world, and neutralize everyone’s thoughts? Are you seeing how delusional you have to be to buy into this prayer warrior malarkey? And yet this whole package is upheld as the ultimate kind of cool in the Church today.

The Holy Spirit leads and guides me today and fills me with all needed gifting and graces

You’re not asking the Holy Spirit here, you’re commanding Him. You’re telling Him that He is going to fill you with all needed gifting and graces. Well, maybe He feels you need a swift kick in the pants, what then? Oh, that’s right, you neutralized all judgments made against you, so apparently that means God can’t decide that you’re being a snarky little brat.

I discern between the righteous and the wicked and I take authority over Satan and all his demons and those people who are influenced by them. I declare Satan is under my feet and shall remain there all day.

Notice how you claim to have flawless discernment skills. You can’t discern what an irreverent idiot you’re being by saying this prayer in the first place, but you think you can tell the difference between the righteous and the wicked. Considering you can’t tell the difference between your God and your servant, you’re hardly in a place to boast about discernment. And then there’s this bit about you declaring authority over Satan, his demons, and all humans who are influenced by them. Here’s a laugh. As you flaunt your total lack of reverence for God and try to dominate Him with every breath, you actually think you’re not under the influence of demons. Who do you think is egging you on to think you’re such a marvelous spiritual role model? While you think Satan is trapped beneath the soles of your shoes, he’s got the full cooperation of your soul. When we insist on disrespecting and dominating God, He turns us into blind fools.

I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. I am God’s property. Satan, you are bound from my family, my mind, my body, my home, and my finances.

This is great. While you insult Christ, you claim to be as righteous as He is. While you boss God around, you claim to be His property. We’ve never seen such mouthy property. Your cell phone is your property–does it tell how to spend your time every morning when you wake up? No, but as the property of God, you feel free to tell Him how to spend His power.

Notice how much you repeat yourself in this prayer. Where there is repetition, there is a lack of faith. No one shows a greater lack of faith than our infamous prayer warriors. These folks are never sure that God is listening to them, hence their need to repeat the same requests fifty billion times. Then even if God is listening, there’s His short term memory problem—this is why your fellow warriors are recommending that you pray this prayer of protection every flipping day. Heaven forbid you should ever stop with the nagging and start treating God like the intelligent, attentive Being that He is.

Now you’ve already bound demons multiple times in this prayer, and you’ve personally pinned Satan under your feet. Yet you still feel the need to specifically list out all the places he is bound from. “Satan, you are bound from my family, my mind, my body, my home, and my finances.” So you’ve got no faith in God, and apparently you’ve got no faith in your own powers, either, otherwise you wouldn’t be acting so paranoid that all of your previous binding wasn’t sufficient.

I confess that I am healed and whole. I flourish, am long lived, stable, durable, incorruptible, fruitful, virtuous, full of peace, patience and love.

There’s nothing more obnoxious than a Christian who is lying on his sick bed claiming to be “healed and whole.” We deserve for the God haters to mock us on this one, because we truly are acting ridiculous. When God is inflicting you with some trial and you respond by talking like it isn’t even happening, you’re just insulting Him yet again. It’s like you’re saying, “I deny Your involvement in my life. I declare that anything You’re doing that I dislike isn’t really happening.” Is this your idea of good discernment skills?

This business about declaring to be long-lived is just your cute way of telling God that He’s not allowed to kill you off young. Actually God is going to kill you whenever He darn well wants to. You aren’t the boss of Him. You’re not His commander. Where do you get off telling God Almighty how to manage the health and longevity of His own creatures? Where is the universe that you brought into being from nothing that proves you are qualified to act as God’s advisor?

Whatsoever I set my hands to do shall prosper for God supplies all my needs.

Here’s a great one. Remember that you’re praying to Yahweh here. Now you’re ordering Him to bless every carnal agenda you come up with. Then you slip in this verse that you’ve yanked out of context. As pompous as the apostle Paul was, even he didn’t go so far as to say that God would bless whatever he touched. What a greedy little brat you are.

I claim a hedge of protection, by the Precious Blood of Jesus, around myself and my loved ones throughout this day and night.

You’ve already got the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of you, so why do you need a hedge as well? God Almighty isn’t enough for you? You have to add some stupid hedge? Yes, you do, because that’s what an ungrateful little twerp you are. You actually have the gall to try and verbally erect some hedge of protection around you, which is the same as telling the Holy Spirit “You suck and I can’t count on You for anything.” You see, if you actually trusted God, you wouldn’t be talking like this. And if you had any respect for Jesus as more than just your magical toy, you’d stop trying to rip off His attributes while you ignore Him. First you talk about His Name. Now you talk about His Blood. You’re only interested in the parts of Jesus that you can use—you don’t care about His heart, His feelings, or His reactions to this acrid little prayer of yours.

I ask You God, in the Name of Jesus, to send angels to surround us today and every day, and to put them throughout my house and around our souls, bodies, wills and emotions. I call on Your holy angels to protect my house from any intrusion and to protect myself and my family from any harmful demonic or other physical or mental attacks.

Oh, this is beautiful. You’ve already told the Holy Spirit that you think He’s totally pathetic and utterly failing in His role of protecting you. That’s why you constructed the hedge. But now you’re making such a point about what a loser God is and how utterly lacking, untrustworthy, and faithless He is that you actually ask Yahweh to send angels to protect you. Angels. You’ve got Yahweh, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit with you 24/7, but you find Their Presence so uncomforting, that you want to be surrounded by a bunch of created beings instead. Angels. Give us a break. Angels are impotent flecks who can’t lift a finger without God’s approval. Angels are a joke. Angels can’t even sustain their own existence, but that’s who you really trust. That’s who you put your faith in: angels, not your Creators. You want angels in your house, angels around your body, and angels around your family members. Don’t miss the irony of this: angels and demons are two different labels for the same kind of creature. So you’re telling God that you feel more secure having angels duke it out with their own peers than you do with God protecting you. You want angels to be your bodyguards when you already have the Creators of all things right there beside you. How ungrateful can you be? And now that you’ve so grossly insulted all three of your Creators in every way that you can think of, you say:

I ask all of this in the Name of Jesus. Amen and amen.

Oh, my, it’s a double amen—now Yahweh will have to do everything you said and dispatch those angels. You already opened your prayer claiming everything in the Name of Jesus, but once again you insult Yahweh’s intelligence by repeating yourself. We’re surprised you didn’t feel the need to once again remind Yahweh who Jesus is—that Guy who died on a cross and rose again. But if you take the advice of these online prayer warriors, you’ll get up tomorrow morning and insult your Gods all over again because that’s what real warriors do.

God detests the prayer warrior label and all that it entails. Now that He’s shared His feelings on the matter with you, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

FURTHER READING:
Practicing Submission in the Way that We Pray
The Power of a Righteous Man’s Prayer
Spiritual Warfare in the Church: Delusions vs. Truth
Spiritual Bondage: Exposing the Scam
In Jesus’ Name, Amen: How does God feel about the traditional Christian sign-off?
The Laying On of Hands
Hellfire Legalism & Prosperity Theology: Two Different Applications of the Same Lie

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